Every time.

So, yea, SO. I seem to use that as an intro to many of my thoughts... get used to it. haha. Anywho, which is 'anywho' even a legitimate word? I have no idea, however, I use many words that lack legitimacy, and I don't really care. SO, here we go again. I have reached a pinnacle in weight gain, yet again. My fat ass just weighed in at 249 pounds. Thank goodness I took it into my own hands today and bought a gym membership. It's funny, I used to have a gym membership at this same gym when I was about 15. Ok, that's not so funny, but I am looking forward to making working out a regular part of my daily routine. It is something that I know I must to in order to even maintain an equilibrium emotionally as well as physically. Definitely with one impacting the other.

Here we go again... for the umpteenth time.

Hello everybody... which I think everybody is just me or Trista... Either way, I am finally writing on this wonderful thing we call a blog nowadays. I am not sure why it has taken me so long to get here, to this place where I am actually writing down my thoughts, but most likely, it's because blogging/writing, like everything else in this world requires effort... that of which I lack apparently. I am just so sick and tired of being such a procrastinator. I think that it's finally taken me over the edge. I just put every little thing off until later, somehow, in my crazy little chaotic brain, thinking that there is going to be a better time in the future to tend to the task. Well, I am wrong, nearly every time. And I miss oppurtunities left and right, north and south, all over the freaking place and then I kick myself in the ass for it. It's just ridiculous. Either way, I am deciding that now I am taking a different stance, I am going to try to be a doer, and not a puteroffer. So, next time an ingenious thought flies into my brain, I am going to be packing my bags and jumping on that plane before it flies off without me.

Wow... That pizza was so delicious!

Yes, yes it was. So absolutely delectable that I couldn't stop eating it! I know that each piece of that extra cheesy, extra delicious pie donated about three asses to my already seemingly exponentially growing number of asses, yet I still devoured every morsel that could make it to my mouth. I couldn't believe it, I kept up with Cacy. That delicious man can nearly eat an entire 18 incher on his own, I mean, I'm pretty sure he can, however, I usually just take a couple slices for myself, if I wasn't there, I'm sure he'd consume that entire pizza. Either way, I'm definitely feeling the effects of it today. Burping up gasses from all ends, and the acid that tends to jump in my throat and singe the back of my tounge rears its ugliness every hour or so to continue the punishment regimen that I truly do deserve.

Yet another diet plan...

Ok, so here I am at work, currently jamming to some ridiculous song on the radio. I literally hate the music they play on the radio. I feel as though I am just being fed what they want me to hear, whoever paid the most cash to get played every hour. Ugh, whatever. Either way, another co-worker of mine just handed me a new work out and diet plan. Hmm... Second one in two weeks, the universe must be telling me something. Yes, yes it is. I keep continuing my venture into the land of health, however, the energy I put into dedication tends to ebb and flow so intensely that I am finding it increasingly difficult to stick to any one plan. I don't know, it is very discouraging, however, this plan has inspired to me get a gym membership again. I mean, I've been jogging lately! Yes! Every couple days and not as consistently as I would love it to be, however, I have been! Aweee yeaaa... But yes, a gym membership again. I would really love to take those classes they give. Anyways, I was talking with another co-worker the other day, and she was talking about how we are so lazy as a human race. We can think up all these wonderful ideas, yet, hardly any of them make it to fruition. Well, it's time that I get off my ass and make some of them happen. I do it myself, all the time. Hmm.. Always using excuses. It's time I light a fire under my ass and get going. Maybe later. Lol. Just kidding. How about neeeoooww?? Ouch! alright, here I go.

Not quite sticking to it... well, not at all.

Wow... So obviously, well, I'm not so sure if it's obvious, however, I have failed to stick with my plan. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I barely even got started. its interesting because I had written a little tiddy on starting back up and being amazing and reaching that mountain top that I was at with my eating habits and working out on a regular basis, and when someone in my writing class read it to edit it, he said that I didn't sound serious enough for him to be sold on it. Interestingly enough, I was somewhat offended, and sort of laughed lightly to myself, uttering in my thoughts that he didn't even have a clue, but he was totally right. I didn't even begin, and I can't keep going on like this. I need to eat right... I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, on top of the weight in my belly and my back-ass-thigh, yes, backassthigh. It's quite a wonder. My butt begins at the half of my back and continues on into a mountainous region in my buttock area, and ends about a quarter of the way down my leg. Its what you might call, redonkulous. Either way, summer is coming up, and I want to feel comfortable going swimming in the lake without feeling like my cellulitic ass isn't going to take over and gobble up everyone near me. Because seriously, the thing has a life of it's own. I can't even explain it, you just have to see it for yourself. I want to do a workout regimen. I mean, I did begin jogging, and I love it. I never thought that someone as in anyone above 235 lbs could accomplish a jogging routine. I figured it was something people did once they got below 200 or so, but I did it! And it feels good. I just need to keep up with it. I am not sure why I don't, on a regular basis, well, actually I am kind of sure, it's because I somehow give myself excuse after excuse and embrace my ridiculously large procrastinating part of my mind and say that its ok to do it tomorrow, or another day, or I don't want to start on an odd numbered day of the month. Anything and everything that I can tell myself in order to get out of something. If only I could learn from my own mistakes. All the times I put off working out and eating right and all the times I regretted not starting sooner once I actually did accomplish a lot. I've done it before, and I can do it again. It starts now. I mean seriously, today, I had a freaking, I mean, like 5 freaking pieces of Almond Roca for breakfast. What??? No, I'm not kidding. It was there, it was convenient, and I grabbed it, before even the bagels that sat there on the counter not far from them. But oddly enough, I looked at those bagels, which my mom purchased, and remembered that when I was going to purchase them a week or so before at the grocery store, they contained high fructose corn syrup. Now why do BAGELS have to have such a thing like high fructose corn syrup in them? Ah! It just makes me so angry. We keep wondering why our kids are becoming more and more obese and its uncontrollable and how there are so many kids in ill health. It's because what is supposed to nurture their body, fuel their energy, feed them, is filled with ridiculous amounts of chemicals and products that cause more damage than they are good. It blows my mind. I can't lie, I have been a slave to the fast food nation many times before, heck, I even had a Wendy's burger and nuggets for lunch today. Ah!! Why???? Why did I even do that? I had a crisp bowl of cereal waiting for me to just pour and add milk, however, the lunch was free and I said yes. Goodness. I need some self control. I could have just said, no thanks, I have cereal. But no, I didn't. And I only have myself to blame. But yes, it is my responsibility to take care of my body, for it is the only that I get in this lifetime. I have seriously already damaged it beyond anything, however, it doesn't mean that I can't nurture it and love it and make it the best that it can be. It's time. I am going to go and workout soon after I stop typing. because, it's time. I need to own up. This is just ridiculous.

The Contract

From May 19th, 2010 until August 19th, 2010 I will live by the rules set forth by this contract. Any breach to this contract will have repercusions.


*No Fast Food
*No Soda
*No candies, sweets, or baked goods
*No beer or hard alcohols. Limiting wine to one glass a day, or possibly more on cheat night.
*Portion control. I will do my best to be aware of what I am putting in my mouth, and keep track of my (greatly estimated) caloric intake and be sure to stay below the level of maintanance.

Maintenance: 2665 Calories/day
Fat Loss: 2132 Calories/day
Extreme Fat Loss: 1960 Calories/day


*Must work out, at least 30 minutes, three times a week. I can do no less, and more is preferred.

On the day of August 19th, 2010, if I have successfully followed through on the terms of my contract, then I will reward myself with a new outfit. If, however, I have not and I breached my contract too many times for a substantial lifestyle alteration, then all the money that I would have spent on a rewarding outfit for myself, I will spend on someone else.

Here we go!

The Relapsed Junkie

I did it again. I relapsed, and it wasn't pretty, but I'll paint a picture, feel free to skip past the next few words if you have a weak stomach. I started the day on a skewed vision of a nutritious diet. Skewed by, what I can only imagine are, my erradic emotions. However, I started my day off with a heaping bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and it all went downhill from there. A gigantic bowl of light, crispy cinnominny sugar dazzled squares drenched in some icecold milk. Mmm... Soon after breakfast was inhaled, I felt the need to bake. I'm not habitually a baker, but eh, why not? I've always wanted to cook. Well, be somewhat of a skilled food manufacturer. I mean, it seems like such a valid skill to soak into my bank of acquired skills. I popped open a bag of brownie mix, and got a stirring. Threw in half a bag of semisweet morsels, and created, well err umm, put together some truly delectable brownies. I was so eager to shove them down my throat, that I didn't even have the willpower to wait for them to cool down after taking them out of the oven so I just scooped out globs of brownie onto my plate, and paired those globs with more globs of some creamy Mocha Almond Fudge, which was quite a magical pairing I might ad. After that, after becoming "one" with the brownie maf(short for Mocha Almond Fudge) work of art, while my body actively grew in circumference and fat content, I watched some episodes of Califronication. Good, actually great show. Gotta love David Duchovny for being an actual sex addict, and then playing one on TV. I'd just really like to know how that all played out in his mind throughout the process. Did he know what the show was about before he agreed to act in it? Did he just fall on a script that emulated his life, but maybe he had no self awareness and the show brought him to his understanding of his own life? I don't know, but I wonder. Anywho, I ended that day down my old hangout.... Fast food lane. Wow. Is this really me? Have I really regressed so far, as to actually start my old rounds again? Burgerville: Got a Mocha Perk milkshake. Wow, was it absolutely delicious. So thick and creamy, a perfect blend of mocha, icecream, and devourability. Ordered some fries there as well. Very hot, but not quite that degree of amazingness that fries should be, sort of grainy and mooshy. I continued a little more of my day..... ate more... more to write.... but keep in mind that before this day, I've been doing so well with it all, even jogging miles at a time. Yes, miles, regard the "s" on the back of that word, for it is a sacred one, for it is what signifies my entry into "badassness". I did a 2.25 mile jog, and the whole time I jogged, as in, not even an ounce of walking. Doing such a thing opened a door that, before I, myself, the overweight beginning jogger, only thought "the chosen ones" could open. The ones chosen to be fit from birth. But I definitely wasn't fit from birth. Hell, I'm still not fit. At a whopping 244.7 lbs, today, I am definitely not fit. But this is the beginning. This, as in right now, as I type, including the last 35 minutes my co-worker Elena and I have been talking about it, is the beginning. The beginning of a new me. We are each writing up a contract. A contract that will include the stipulations that I will live by for at least the next 3 months. We began writing on May 19th, and therefor, the contracts are up August 19th. Who's to say if I will continue on with the lifestyle, but time and experience. So here goes, the journey of bringing out my inner "badassness".

Here we go.

Is it odd that I just engulfed a chocolate chip cookie? No, I guess that wouldn’t be odd. But maybe it would seem more out of place because I just spent the whole evening getting myself revved up for a lifestyle change. One that includes my diet and everything I consume. Hmm.. Maybe. But seriously. That cookie had just been staring at me all evening, along with the 2 other, I might ad, just looking at me, each chocolate morsel; an eye that could see into the depths of my soul with a cocky arrogance. May sound redundant, cocky arrogance, but the point must be made, those cookies were taunting me, and they did it so well. I couldn’t take it for very much longer so I ravaged it while my co-worker was away. Yes, I did it in solitude, and yes, I hid the cookie behind my hand so that it wasn’t apparent that I was eating it. I was ashamed, and as I type this out, I am ashamed all over again, reliving the embarrassment that is my life. Well, either way, I am trying to commit to this lifestyle alteration, as if this current fashion of living does not suffice. I guess it doesn’t. I have been to the other side of the scale, and when I say this, I mean, I stepped on it, and the slim little red stick that points at the numbers as it circles around and ends at your damage, I mean weight. Mine circled around once, and then began another go-round. The scale only seemingly went to 300 pounds, however, once it passes that number, it just keeps going round and round. Yes, that is the past, and I am not essentially close to that number anymore, however, my habits, if they continue, won’t keep me far from it for long.
As long as I can remember, I’ve hoarded food. I don’t remember where it stemmed from, or when it began, or even the process of how it got from the kitchen to underneath my pillow and into my mouth, but I don’t remember a lot of things. I’m not sure how to deal with this issue today. There are times when I think I’m done, when I think that I can look back at my “old self” and be grateful that I have made it far enough in the process of change to not commit such heinous crimes against the body that is my temple, but then, I look at my current self and realize that I am still that person. I lapse into that mental coma and eat to feed the emotional monster that dwells within. If only I could stop, I’m just not sure how.
Well, like I said, I am beginning this food diary website and it seems legit. It keeps you accountable for every drop that is taken in. I need this, I need to be accountable. As I feel my stomach, protruding from above my pantline, and the acids gurgling in my stomach and up to my throat, I hope with all my might, that I can be held accountable.

How nice it is to be taken care of...

So... I was jogging today... for my first time in a few days... and as I was jogging, I was trying out different ways in order to make the jog pass a little smoother. And when I say this, I mean I was trying different breathing techniques, concentrating on my breathing, taking longer breaths, shorter breathes, breathing in every two steps, out every two... whichever way I did it, it seemed as though the air still struggled to suffice my seemingly overwhelming need of oxygen. I looked around, trying to concentrate on the finish line, that seemed too far away, so instead I would just stare at my feet with each step that they took... nothing seemed to distract me from the hard work that the jog entailed. So I finally came to the idea that maybe if I closed my eyes and jogged for a minute... maybe that would somehow make it all easier, I mean, I trusted in the idea that the ground wasn't going anywhere... well, I guess I can't jog in a straight line when my eyes are closed and I ran myself right off the track and skid along the tread... Cut my knee up pretty bad and my hand too. Anyways... the best part of my story... coming to work and Mandi taking care of my wounds... She poured hydrogen peroxide on it, which I learned soon after that it is actually what we're not supposed to use in an open wound, however, and then she bandaged me up like a pro. It was just very nice to be taken care of is all. The hospitality of some people and their true kindness kind of touches my heart. :)

Dun dun dunnnn...... The harsh reality.

Ok, WOW! So, I thought that I wasn't being too bad by purchasing and devouring a Chipotle Chicken Burrito, however, I was slapped by the harsh hand of reality when I realized I was consuming a day's worth of calories in one sitting!! How could I be such a fool? Well, the burrito was so delicious, with the tender and suculant chicken, the organic rice, the spicy corn salsa (not too spicy not too mild... just right;), the milky sour cream and the cheese joined forces and became the amazing creation that it was.... it was just too beautiful to pass up. It really hurts my heart to know that something so wonderful could actually hate me so much. Sad story. Well, Goodbye chipotle... We definitely had some great times together, however, I know now, that our relationship wasn't healthy, so it's over.

Nutrition Facts
Amount Per Serving
Calories 1155	Cal from Fat 375
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 41g	62%
Saturated Fat 18g 88% Trans Fat 0g
Cholesterol 190mg	63%
Sodium 2390mg	100%
Total Carbs 130g	43%
Dietary Fiber 26g 104% Sugars 10g
Protein 68g
Vitamin A 0% • Vitamin C 0% Calcium 0% • Iron 0%
* Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.
INGREDIENTS: 13" Tortilla,Rice,Black Beans,Pinto Beans,Chicken (4oz),Corn Salsa,Cheese,Sour Cream,Lettuce

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Here we go again...

Oh goodness.... Here we go again. Lol, I really shouldn't say it like that, for this is going to be a positive change in my life, however, its quite a creep up this mountain back to utopia. I've done it before, ate only what was worthy of entering my body, only what I knew would fuel me for the day and satisfy my hunger until it was time to eat again. I lost 125 pounds living such a lifestyle, but I don't know what happened to me, what bucked me off that horse to salvation, however, I have been living far off that path to righteousness and closer to the treacherous seas of gluttony. You wouldn't believe me if I told you all the foods that I've thrown into my body lately. Today.... has surely been a trip down gluttony lane to say the least. I started my day out, and scarfed down toasted onion bagel with heaps of cream cheese, and a few gulps of milk to wash it down. As if that wasn't enough carbohydrates and fatty dairy, I grabbed a tortilla, sliced some cheese and threw it in the microwave for 20 and some odd seconds... it was delicious, but unnecessary. And then of course, less than enough time goes by for a commercial to complete its run, and for me to swallow my last bite of cheesy tortilla, I was up and making another one, and zapped that sucker for 2o or so. Devoured, deja vu, is what it may have seemed like, however, I barely remember the experience with the first helping because I downed it so mindlessly. I am so sick of mindless eating, for it takes me over and helps to shove those unconscious hurts and worries down below, however, unfortunately, making their journey back to the surface longer and more treacherous than was even necessary. but hey, at least I am realizing this right?I don't know. But still... I was on my way to work and all I could think of was what I could eat next. I had my heart set on a cheese roll up from the Bell, however, I saw the line and decided, it wasn't for me. I made it into Tualatin and realized that it was either no food, or McDonald's... Ya know, it has been a little while since I've contributed to the devil that is Macdo. I "treated" myself to the cheeseburger filled with corn and hormone fed cows slaughtered recklessly and grounded into the patty that I consumed. However, it was strangely gratifying and of great company with a small fry, and a three pack of their fresh...ly microwaved choco chip cookies. talk about over indulge, eh? Gosh, it's ridiculous. And the crazy thing... I still consumed an entire Chipotle Burrito only a couple hours later! Geez... Its really time to stop this. There is no need for this. Alright... This is the beginning of me owning up to my addiction. Realizing, yet again, that I have a problem and that I need to be aware of it in order to turn it into something to help me on my journey through life.