Here we go.

Is it odd that I just engulfed a chocolate chip cookie? No, I guess that wouldn’t be odd. But maybe it would seem more out of place because I just spent the whole evening getting myself revved up for a lifestyle change. One that includes my diet and everything I consume. Hmm.. Maybe. But seriously. That cookie had just been staring at me all evening, along with the 2 other, I might ad, just looking at me, each chocolate morsel; an eye that could see into the depths of my soul with a cocky arrogance. May sound redundant, cocky arrogance, but the point must be made, those cookies were taunting me, and they did it so well. I couldn’t take it for very much longer so I ravaged it while my co-worker was away. Yes, I did it in solitude, and yes, I hid the cookie behind my hand so that it wasn’t apparent that I was eating it. I was ashamed, and as I type this out, I am ashamed all over again, reliving the embarrassment that is my life. Well, either way, I am trying to commit to this lifestyle alteration, as if this current fashion of living does not suffice. I guess it doesn’t. I have been to the other side of the scale, and when I say this, I mean, I stepped on it, and the slim little red stick that points at the numbers as it circles around and ends at your damage, I mean weight. Mine circled around once, and then began another go-round. The scale only seemingly went to 300 pounds, however, once it passes that number, it just keeps going round and round. Yes, that is the past, and I am not essentially close to that number anymore, however, my habits, if they continue, won’t keep me far from it for long.
As long as I can remember, I’ve hoarded food. I don’t remember where it stemmed from, or when it began, or even the process of how it got from the kitchen to underneath my pillow and into my mouth, but I don’t remember a lot of things. I’m not sure how to deal with this issue today. There are times when I think I’m done, when I think that I can look back at my “old self” and be grateful that I have made it far enough in the process of change to not commit such heinous crimes against the body that is my temple, but then, I look at my current self and realize that I am still that person. I lapse into that mental coma and eat to feed the emotional monster that dwells within. If only I could stop, I’m just not sure how.
Well, like I said, I am beginning this food diary website and it seems legit. It keeps you accountable for every drop that is taken in. I need this, I need to be accountable. As I feel my stomach, protruding from above my pantline, and the acids gurgling in my stomach and up to my throat, I hope with all my might, that I can be held accountable.