This last day of this year.

Wow... It's the last day in the year 2011. Is that proper English? I dunno. Either way, I feel horrible to say, that I've done nothing with my life. I like to live life and ride along the waves of it's ocean of activity, however, I feel like I've been chillin' on a surfboard watching perfectly great waves go by and now the wind is calm, not a breeze in sight. I want to take advantage of every moment, for life is so short it's mind boggling. Literally, why is it that of all the time we've spent here, on earth, it only takes a second to take us back there. To where? I reminisce and my mind wanders for a moment to take me to the salty air that wafts from the oceans of Huntington Beach where I've spent many a days, to the kitchen at my moms house where I've aimlessly, mindlessly, stared into the same fridge full of condiments a thousand times hoping for it to somehow magically zap a meal in there as though I was Jeannie and could cross my arms and jerk my head down and pull from the universe. But seriously, where has life gone? I'm here, I have 24 years behind me, and I still feel lost in the abyss that is life. Where do I find direction? How do I find my North Star? Will I know it when I see it? Or am I there now?

Here I am... still.

Just sitting at work... getting paid to blog. I am also getting paid to stuff my face at the moment. It's another disqusting display of my subconscious worries and issues at battle with my conscious desire to supress and drown them with food. I do love food. Very much. I do definitely abuse our relationship. I seemingly depend on it. I know it will always be there if I need it. If I want it. If I choose to abuse it. It will still be there. I'm really not sure what a healthy relationship with food looks like. If I'm not with it, I think about it. Almost obsesively. According to my mom I've always been that way. When I was a kid, during breakfast, while devouring the omellette or pancakes, I'd already be asking what was for lunch. What the heck?? What does that mean? I've received messages from the universe. One of the main ones that I really feel is a good mantra is, "pay attention". I am always outside of the moment, I feel. I am always observing it from a distance, never really paying attention to the moment at hand. I feel distant from life itself when I get too caught up observing it. I need to pay attention more. I guess, I'm just saying I don't pay attention and give the breakfast the attention it deserves while I'm eating it, therefore looking to the future and wondering what it entails I lose track of the present, devouring it mindlessly. Blah blah blah. I just rant and rave and go in these wobbly circles, sometimes, never to make it back to the beginning. But where is the begining? It's a freaking circle, it has no end or beginning. Gosh. Where am I? lol. At work... about to check in a patient from jail.