The Contract

From May 19th, 2010 until August 19th, 2010 I will live by the rules set forth by this contract. Any breach to this contract will have repercusions.


*No Fast Food
*No Soda
*No candies, sweets, or baked goods
*No beer or hard alcohols. Limiting wine to one glass a day, or possibly more on cheat night.
*Portion control. I will do my best to be aware of what I am putting in my mouth, and keep track of my (greatly estimated) caloric intake and be sure to stay below the level of maintanance.

Maintenance: 2665 Calories/day
Fat Loss: 2132 Calories/day
Extreme Fat Loss: 1960 Calories/day


*Must work out, at least 30 minutes, three times a week. I can do no less, and more is preferred.

On the day of August 19th, 2010, if I have successfully followed through on the terms of my contract, then I will reward myself with a new outfit. If, however, I have not and I breached my contract too many times for a substantial lifestyle alteration, then all the money that I would have spent on a rewarding outfit for myself, I will spend on someone else.

Here we go!

The Relapsed Junkie

I did it again. I relapsed, and it wasn't pretty, but I'll paint a picture, feel free to skip past the next few words if you have a weak stomach. I started the day on a skewed vision of a nutritious diet. Skewed by, what I can only imagine are, my erradic emotions. However, I started my day off with a heaping bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and it all went downhill from there. A gigantic bowl of light, crispy cinnominny sugar dazzled squares drenched in some icecold milk. Mmm... Soon after breakfast was inhaled, I felt the need to bake. I'm not habitually a baker, but eh, why not? I've always wanted to cook. Well, be somewhat of a skilled food manufacturer. I mean, it seems like such a valid skill to soak into my bank of acquired skills. I popped open a bag of brownie mix, and got a stirring. Threw in half a bag of semisweet morsels, and created, well err umm, put together some truly delectable brownies. I was so eager to shove them down my throat, that I didn't even have the willpower to wait for them to cool down after taking them out of the oven so I just scooped out globs of brownie onto my plate, and paired those globs with more globs of some creamy Mocha Almond Fudge, which was quite a magical pairing I might ad. After that, after becoming "one" with the brownie maf(short for Mocha Almond Fudge) work of art, while my body actively grew in circumference and fat content, I watched some episodes of Califronication. Good, actually great show. Gotta love David Duchovny for being an actual sex addict, and then playing one on TV. I'd just really like to know how that all played out in his mind throughout the process. Did he know what the show was about before he agreed to act in it? Did he just fall on a script that emulated his life, but maybe he had no self awareness and the show brought him to his understanding of his own life? I don't know, but I wonder. Anywho, I ended that day down my old hangout.... Fast food lane. Wow. Is this really me? Have I really regressed so far, as to actually start my old rounds again? Burgerville: Got a Mocha Perk milkshake. Wow, was it absolutely delicious. So thick and creamy, a perfect blend of mocha, icecream, and devourability. Ordered some fries there as well. Very hot, but not quite that degree of amazingness that fries should be, sort of grainy and mooshy. I continued a little more of my day..... ate more... more to write.... but keep in mind that before this day, I've been doing so well with it all, even jogging miles at a time. Yes, miles, regard the "s" on the back of that word, for it is a sacred one, for it is what signifies my entry into "badassness". I did a 2.25 mile jog, and the whole time I jogged, as in, not even an ounce of walking. Doing such a thing opened a door that, before I, myself, the overweight beginning jogger, only thought "the chosen ones" could open. The ones chosen to be fit from birth. But I definitely wasn't fit from birth. Hell, I'm still not fit. At a whopping 244.7 lbs, today, I am definitely not fit. But this is the beginning. This, as in right now, as I type, including the last 35 minutes my co-worker Elena and I have been talking about it, is the beginning. The beginning of a new me. We are each writing up a contract. A contract that will include the stipulations that I will live by for at least the next 3 months. We began writing on May 19th, and therefor, the contracts are up August 19th. Who's to say if I will continue on with the lifestyle, but time and experience. So here goes, the journey of bringing out my inner "badassness".

Here we go.

Is it odd that I just engulfed a chocolate chip cookie? No, I guess that wouldn’t be odd. But maybe it would seem more out of place because I just spent the whole evening getting myself revved up for a lifestyle change. One that includes my diet and everything I consume. Hmm.. Maybe. But seriously. That cookie had just been staring at me all evening, along with the 2 other, I might ad, just looking at me, each chocolate morsel; an eye that could see into the depths of my soul with a cocky arrogance. May sound redundant, cocky arrogance, but the point must be made, those cookies were taunting me, and they did it so well. I couldn’t take it for very much longer so I ravaged it while my co-worker was away. Yes, I did it in solitude, and yes, I hid the cookie behind my hand so that it wasn’t apparent that I was eating it. I was ashamed, and as I type this out, I am ashamed all over again, reliving the embarrassment that is my life. Well, either way, I am trying to commit to this lifestyle alteration, as if this current fashion of living does not suffice. I guess it doesn’t. I have been to the other side of the scale, and when I say this, I mean, I stepped on it, and the slim little red stick that points at the numbers as it circles around and ends at your damage, I mean weight. Mine circled around once, and then began another go-round. The scale only seemingly went to 300 pounds, however, once it passes that number, it just keeps going round and round. Yes, that is the past, and I am not essentially close to that number anymore, however, my habits, if they continue, won’t keep me far from it for long.
As long as I can remember, I’ve hoarded food. I don’t remember where it stemmed from, or when it began, or even the process of how it got from the kitchen to underneath my pillow and into my mouth, but I don’t remember a lot of things. I’m not sure how to deal with this issue today. There are times when I think I’m done, when I think that I can look back at my “old self” and be grateful that I have made it far enough in the process of change to not commit such heinous crimes against the body that is my temple, but then, I look at my current self and realize that I am still that person. I lapse into that mental coma and eat to feed the emotional monster that dwells within. If only I could stop, I’m just not sure how.
Well, like I said, I am beginning this food diary website and it seems legit. It keeps you accountable for every drop that is taken in. I need this, I need to be accountable. As I feel my stomach, protruding from above my pantline, and the acids gurgling in my stomach and up to my throat, I hope with all my might, that I can be held accountable.