The venture into Low-Carberdome... A LIFESTYLE CHANGE.

As you may have read in my last post... I am currently enjoying a low carb treat that I purchased from Dutch Bros Coffee. It's delicious! And only about 5 net carbs! It is a sugar free white chocolate with steamed half and half latte. Dutch Bros has pretty much anything you want in sugar free. It's amazing. Either way... I have finally jumped back on the horse of LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I loaded up my freezer with meats that range from salmon to pork roast to chicken to steak. I've got no excuse not to do this. I have inched my way back up the scale to 250 pounds. It's just getting ridiculous. The torture that I am putting my body through, let alone my pyche through has taken it's last stomp on my life. Literally, you should have seen me this weekend. I'm not sure why I did it. I'll give you a horrific picture of my life. So, I was sick, all weekend. My nose was stuffed and continued to stay stuffed no matter how many times I blew and blew. I had been doing so well, changing my lifestyle before I had gotten sick. I was to the point where I really wasn't even craving sweets. But somehow... something in my mind took over and retreated back to my previous lifestyle and screamed and screamed from the back of my mind, "I want cookies!" and repeated until I couldn't take it any longer and succumbed to that voice (even got my boyfriend on the bandwagon so there was no backing down)... and made a couple dozen from scratch. Yes, I couldn't breath through my nose, therefore I purchased some nasal decongestant just so I could possibly get a taste... they helped temporarily and for those few minutes I stuffed as many cookies as I could in my mouth and washed them down with an ice cold glass of milk (which yes, I know, not such a good idea with the mucas, but I had to, for some sick reason). Wow, disgusting. But yea, so after I did this, and during, I felt disgusting and was mad at myself, but I couldn't stop. After that, I told myself, "eh, you already ate the cookies, now eat those chips you've been pondering. I stuffed several into my mouth, chewed half open so I could breathe. Wow, what a depressing picture I am painting. either way, I am stopping this. It's just ridiculous. Obviously I was stuffing myself from another direction. I mean, yes, physically, but there was some void emotionally that was causing the consumption. I am trying to figure out where this void is in my life. I happen to think that it's possibly because my life is so unorganized and I feel so overwhelmed with all my tasks "to do" that I avoid life altogether and consume food to numb me up. I don't know. It just gets ridiculous sometimes. I recently bought a book that my friend Natalya turned me onto, "Organize Now" by Jennifer Ford Berry it is a "week by week guide to organize your space and your life". And I feel like this will definitely help me to connect moreso with what is driving me to these binges. To start organizing my life! Woo! So ..... Here we go!!

Ok Mel!

Soo... I am sitting here, sipping on my Dutch Bros delectable delight... which consists of sugar free white chocolate syrup, steamed half and half, and some premium dutch bros coffee. I am enjoying it immensely. Here at work that is... and Mel just scolded me for not writing on this blog... So, I'm doing it! haha. It is really something I want to do, something I want to pour my heart and soul into, however, I'm just not sure as to why I never follow through. I think part of the reason is that I get all caught up in the idea of failure. I think that I want to be the best from the beginning... and don't want to put my weaknesses out there for anyone to see. Well, enough of that! I've got to do this, if not for me, than for those who may read this and may get some sort of satisfaction out of it. Well, whatever. Need I say, here we go again, again? Sure, why not, but this is the last time! Here we go!!

Every time.

So, yea, SO. I seem to use that as an intro to many of my thoughts... get used to it. haha. Anywho, which is 'anywho' even a legitimate word? I have no idea, however, I use many words that lack legitimacy, and I don't really care. SO, here we go again. I have reached a pinnacle in weight gain, yet again. My fat ass just weighed in at 249 pounds. Thank goodness I took it into my own hands today and bought a gym membership. It's funny, I used to have a gym membership at this same gym when I was about 15. Ok, that's not so funny, but I am looking forward to making working out a regular part of my daily routine. It is something that I know I must to in order to even maintain an equilibrium emotionally as well as physically. Definitely with one impacting the other.

Here we go again... for the umpteenth time.

Hello everybody... which I think everybody is just me or Trista... Either way, I am finally writing on this wonderful thing we call a blog nowadays. I am not sure why it has taken me so long to get here, to this place where I am actually writing down my thoughts, but most likely, it's because blogging/writing, like everything else in this world requires effort... that of which I lack apparently. I am just so sick and tired of being such a procrastinator. I think that it's finally taken me over the edge. I just put every little thing off until later, somehow, in my crazy little chaotic brain, thinking that there is going to be a better time in the future to tend to the task. Well, I am wrong, nearly every time. And I miss oppurtunities left and right, north and south, all over the freaking place and then I kick myself in the ass for it. It's just ridiculous. Either way, I am deciding that now I am taking a different stance, I am going to try to be a doer, and not a puteroffer. So, next time an ingenious thought flies into my brain, I am going to be packing my bags and jumping on that plane before it flies off without me.

Wow... That pizza was so delicious!

Yes, yes it was. So absolutely delectable that I couldn't stop eating it! I know that each piece of that extra cheesy, extra delicious pie donated about three asses to my already seemingly exponentially growing number of asses, yet I still devoured every morsel that could make it to my mouth. I couldn't believe it, I kept up with Cacy. That delicious man can nearly eat an entire 18 incher on his own, I mean, I'm pretty sure he can, however, I usually just take a couple slices for myself, if I wasn't there, I'm sure he'd consume that entire pizza. Either way, I'm definitely feeling the effects of it today. Burping up gasses from all ends, and the acid that tends to jump in my throat and singe the back of my tounge rears its ugliness every hour or so to continue the punishment regimen that I truly do deserve.

Yet another diet plan...

Ok, so here I am at work, currently jamming to some ridiculous song on the radio. I literally hate the music they play on the radio. I feel as though I am just being fed what they want me to hear, whoever paid the most cash to get played every hour. Ugh, whatever. Either way, another co-worker of mine just handed me a new work out and diet plan. Hmm... Second one in two weeks, the universe must be telling me something. Yes, yes it is. I keep continuing my venture into the land of health, however, the energy I put into dedication tends to ebb and flow so intensely that I am finding it increasingly difficult to stick to any one plan. I don't know, it is very discouraging, however, this plan has inspired to me get a gym membership again. I mean, I've been jogging lately! Yes! Every couple days and not as consistently as I would love it to be, however, I have been! Aweee yeaaa... But yes, a gym membership again. I would really love to take those classes they give. Anyways, I was talking with another co-worker the other day, and she was talking about how we are so lazy as a human race. We can think up all these wonderful ideas, yet, hardly any of them make it to fruition. Well, it's time that I get off my ass and make some of them happen. I do it myself, all the time. Hmm.. Always using excuses. It's time I light a fire under my ass and get going. Maybe later. Lol. Just kidding. How about neeeoooww?? Ouch! alright, here I go.

Not quite sticking to it... well, not at all.

Wow... So obviously, well, I'm not so sure if it's obvious, however, I have failed to stick with my plan. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I barely even got started. its interesting because I had written a little tiddy on starting back up and being amazing and reaching that mountain top that I was at with my eating habits and working out on a regular basis, and when someone in my writing class read it to edit it, he said that I didn't sound serious enough for him to be sold on it. Interestingly enough, I was somewhat offended, and sort of laughed lightly to myself, uttering in my thoughts that he didn't even have a clue, but he was totally right. I didn't even begin, and I can't keep going on like this. I need to eat right... I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, on top of the weight in my belly and my back-ass-thigh, yes, backassthigh. It's quite a wonder. My butt begins at the half of my back and continues on into a mountainous region in my buttock area, and ends about a quarter of the way down my leg. Its what you might call, redonkulous. Either way, summer is coming up, and I want to feel comfortable going swimming in the lake without feeling like my cellulitic ass isn't going to take over and gobble up everyone near me. Because seriously, the thing has a life of it's own. I can't even explain it, you just have to see it for yourself. I want to do a workout regimen. I mean, I did begin jogging, and I love it. I never thought that someone as in anyone above 235 lbs could accomplish a jogging routine. I figured it was something people did once they got below 200 or so, but I did it! And it feels good. I just need to keep up with it. I am not sure why I don't, on a regular basis, well, actually I am kind of sure, it's because I somehow give myself excuse after excuse and embrace my ridiculously large procrastinating part of my mind and say that its ok to do it tomorrow, or another day, or I don't want to start on an odd numbered day of the month. Anything and everything that I can tell myself in order to get out of something. If only I could learn from my own mistakes. All the times I put off working out and eating right and all the times I regretted not starting sooner once I actually did accomplish a lot. I've done it before, and I can do it again. It starts now. I mean seriously, today, I had a freaking, I mean, like 5 freaking pieces of Almond Roca for breakfast. What??? No, I'm not kidding. It was there, it was convenient, and I grabbed it, before even the bagels that sat there on the counter not far from them. But oddly enough, I looked at those bagels, which my mom purchased, and remembered that when I was going to purchase them a week or so before at the grocery store, they contained high fructose corn syrup. Now why do BAGELS have to have such a thing like high fructose corn syrup in them? Ah! It just makes me so angry. We keep wondering why our kids are becoming more and more obese and its uncontrollable and how there are so many kids in ill health. It's because what is supposed to nurture their body, fuel their energy, feed them, is filled with ridiculous amounts of chemicals and products that cause more damage than they are good. It blows my mind. I can't lie, I have been a slave to the fast food nation many times before, heck, I even had a Wendy's burger and nuggets for lunch today. Ah!! Why???? Why did I even do that? I had a crisp bowl of cereal waiting for me to just pour and add milk, however, the lunch was free and I said yes. Goodness. I need some self control. I could have just said, no thanks, I have cereal. But no, I didn't. And I only have myself to blame. But yes, it is my responsibility to take care of my body, for it is the only that I get in this lifetime. I have seriously already damaged it beyond anything, however, it doesn't mean that I can't nurture it and love it and make it the best that it can be. It's time. I am going to go and workout soon after I stop typing. because, it's time. I need to own up. This is just ridiculous.