Here I am... still.

Just sitting at work... getting paid to blog. I am also getting paid to stuff my face at the moment. It's another disqusting display of my subconscious worries and issues at battle with my conscious desire to supress and drown them with food. I do love food. Very much. I do definitely abuse our relationship. I seemingly depend on it. I know it will always be there if I need it. If I want it. If I choose to abuse it. It will still be there. I'm really not sure what a healthy relationship with food looks like. If I'm not with it, I think about it. Almost obsesively. According to my mom I've always been that way. When I was a kid, during breakfast, while devouring the omellette or pancakes, I'd already be asking what was for lunch. What the heck?? What does that mean? I've received messages from the universe. One of the main ones that I really feel is a good mantra is, "pay attention". I am always outside of the moment, I feel. I am always observing it from a distance, never really paying attention to the moment at hand. I feel distant from life itself when I get too caught up observing it. I need to pay attention more. I guess, I'm just saying I don't pay attention and give the breakfast the attention it deserves while I'm eating it, therefore looking to the future and wondering what it entails I lose track of the present, devouring it mindlessly. Blah blah blah. I just rant and rave and go in these wobbly circles, sometimes, never to make it back to the beginning. But where is the begining? It's a freaking circle, it has no end or beginning. Gosh. Where am I? lol. At work... about to check in a patient from jail.