This last day of this year.

Wow... It's the last day in the year 2011. Is that proper English? I dunno. Either way, I feel horrible to say, that I've done nothing with my life. I like to live life and ride along the waves of it's ocean of activity, however, I feel like I've been chillin' on a surfboard watching perfectly great waves go by and now the wind is calm, not a breeze in sight. I want to take advantage of every moment, for life is so short it's mind boggling. Literally, why is it that of all the time we've spent here, on earth, it only takes a second to take us back there. To where? I reminisce and my mind wanders for a moment to take me to the salty air that wafts from the oceans of Huntington Beach where I've spent many a days, to the kitchen at my moms house where I've aimlessly, mindlessly, stared into the same fridge full of condiments a thousand times hoping for it to somehow magically zap a meal in there as though I was Jeannie and could cross my arms and jerk my head down and pull from the universe. But seriously, where has life gone? I'm here, I have 24 years behind me, and I still feel lost in the abyss that is life. Where do I find direction? How do I find my North Star? Will I know it when I see it? Or am I there now?

Here I am... still.

Just sitting at work... getting paid to blog. I am also getting paid to stuff my face at the moment. It's another disqusting display of my subconscious worries and issues at battle with my conscious desire to supress and drown them with food. I do love food. Very much. I do definitely abuse our relationship. I seemingly depend on it. I know it will always be there if I need it. If I want it. If I choose to abuse it. It will still be there. I'm really not sure what a healthy relationship with food looks like. If I'm not with it, I think about it. Almost obsesively. According to my mom I've always been that way. When I was a kid, during breakfast, while devouring the omellette or pancakes, I'd already be asking what was for lunch. What the heck?? What does that mean? I've received messages from the universe. One of the main ones that I really feel is a good mantra is, "pay attention". I am always outside of the moment, I feel. I am always observing it from a distance, never really paying attention to the moment at hand. I feel distant from life itself when I get too caught up observing it. I need to pay attention more. I guess, I'm just saying I don't pay attention and give the breakfast the attention it deserves while I'm eating it, therefore looking to the future and wondering what it entails I lose track of the present, devouring it mindlessly. Blah blah blah. I just rant and rave and go in these wobbly circles, sometimes, never to make it back to the beginning. But where is the begining? It's a freaking circle, it has no end or beginning. Gosh. Where am I? lol. At work... about to check in a patient from jail.

Still struggling...

As I sit here and type I can feel my stomach sloshing and gurgling and dancing around. I ate so much last night. I slept 10 hours and I still ate so much last night. Well, of course the past doesn't change, but the time was not profuse enough for the effects of last night to dwindle. Not enough digesting occurred and my fat ass grew even more. I drank a lot of wine too. It was delicious. Either way, why? Why did I do such a thing? I mean, why does my brain not click when it comes to the end of a meal. To the end of eating too much. I mean, I pour one bowl of rice crispy treats drowning in milk and heavily sprinkled with brown sugar... it's delectable, Cacy brought that delight into my life. Either way, why couldn't I just stop at one bowl? Just one? Maybe even two? Hell, I'd prob feel a little better if I'd even stopped at three. BUt naw... I had four bowls. Had to have four bowls. And even pondered having a 5th, however, somehow, I clicked. lol. After forcefeeding myself four bowls of cereal... I just sat and thought of it, and held my belly even for a second thinking... gosh, it would be nice if I was pregnant so I had an excuse for this protruding blob that I'm looking at, actively being disqusted by. I hate to end a sentance in a preposition, but sometimes, I'm just too lazy to go back and change the sentance around so that it isn't such a way, or my flow doesn't go with the proper grammer. Alright, well, as I sit here, I ponder attending the gym. It will probably make me feel a little better about my binging these last whiles. Plus I will feel better afterwards anyways. Hmm... WHy am I even thinking about it? Shouldn't it just come natural to me? To all humans? To take care of our bodies? I mean, it's the only one we ever get personally... I mean, maybe our energy goes on and is absorbed by another life.... but we only live this time, in this body, in this life experience. We should naturally be able to take care of it! But, thats just too easy, isn't it. Ok, well, I'm off to, work out? Yes! WOrk out! Yay:)? lol. No, really, yay.

Whew. What a blow.

So... Today, well, no not today... anyways, on the 27th of March I got a membership to Crunch gym. It's a pretty sweet gym! I pay only $19.95/mth, can bring a guest with me anytime for free, also have a free online fitness/health log, unlimited tanning and one free session with a personal trainer! Pretty sweet. Either way... I just recently, on the 29th, did my personal training session. I wasn't sure what this would entail, however, the truth that was blasted in my face was surely a reality check that I could not go without. I weighed in and she measured my body fat percentage. Hooooweeeeyyyyy. That was insane. I hear of people having 20-25, not happy. 30 even. Well, I was off the charts people! Off the frickin charts! I measured in at 55% body fat. That is insanely bad. As in, I'm sure that my heart is enlarged due to over working for pumping blood through my huge body! And I could keel over and die any moment. So, it was serious. Either workout and eat right, or go kill myself. Because seriously... I am going to die soon anyway if I continue down this path! lol. Ok, bad joke... not funny to joke about suicide and all. But come on! How could I let myself get to that point! Soo messed up. I recently, as in about a year ago accomplished losing 125 lbs. I did it right, I swear! I ate right every day, worked out, and the weight just fell off into a blubbering pile of fat that I could even laugh at... unfortunately, the weight, climbed back on after not too long. Who's laughing now? Yea, not me. :/ When I told the personal trainer that, she said that I wasn't doing enough resistance training when I took the weight off, therefor not gaining enough muscle to contribute to maintaining weight loss. So, now, I am back up to 260 lbs, down from 263 a couple days ago! Owee owee! Here, I am going to log my weight loss journey. I am logging my food on the online website, which maybe I should put it on here too! But, its very exciting and liberating to know that I have reached that point of no return, however, sad that it has taken me this far and long to get here. So, here we go! For the last time!! Yay!

RElapse.... Now some Cheese whizzzz.....

So... I tried those Kale chips... umm.... first time around... not so much. They burnt so quickly and I even only put them in for 10 minutes? They collapsed into dust in my mouth. Oh, well, they had a pretty good taste. Either way... Unfortunately, I think I really needed those kale chips in my life to be tasty as all get out, and because that first attempt failed... I moved on to umm... sadly enough... chocolate chips. But seriously, do you blame me? Ok, despite the boringness that is a chocolate chip. You'd think that something from another hierarchy of delectable delights would steal my thunder away from how great i've been doing with the LowCarberdome... however, they fell into my mouth... well, pretty much. They fell from the cupboard, the oven was on, making the top of the stove rather warm, the bag broke, spilling the chocolate chips everywhere. I was scooping them up ferociously, however, it just wasn't quick enough, they melted, on the stove, all over my hands was molten chocolate. When I looked at them, all I could see was chocoloate dipped. AHh... So I licked each finger and my palm and devoured each and every morsel that fell. Goodness gracious. And then I decided I needed some fries, why? Because I already had chocolate chips. See my mentality? Seriously an all or nothing type. It's got to be insane to witness. My poor boyfriend. I love him dearly, and am grateful that he has endured thus far. Gosh, it's just ridiculous... I have soooo much to do! But for some reason, I keep wasting my energies on things that don't even remotely apply to my to do list... including typing on this blog right now. So insane. I have three cans of diet soda in front of me, 1 half full of warm soda, that I never finished, and two empty. Why? Because I drank one, newly finished another, and found one that I forgot I opened.. I need to bake some cheesecake bites for my Passion Party tomorrow... but for some reason, I haven't attempted to begin. AH... typing about it is actually making me a little restless. I am going to bake those now! Yes! But hey, I did prepare the salmon... it is marinading right now...

Grilled Salmon I: Another recipe from allrecipes.com with rave reviews.
Ingredients

1 1/2 pounds salmon fillets
lemon pepper to taste
garlic powder to taste
salt to taste
1/3 cup soy sauce
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup water
1/4 cup vegetable oil
Directions

Season salmon fillets with lemon pepper, garlic powder, and salt.
In a small bowl, stir together soy sauce, brown sugar, water, and vegetable oil until sugar is dissolved. Place fish in a large resealable plastic bag with the soy sauce mixture, seal, and turn to coat. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours.
Preheat grill for medium heat.
Lightly oil grill grate. Place salmon on the preheated grill, and discard marinade. Cook salmon for 6 to 8 minutes per side, or until the fish flakes easily with a fork.

As for the Cheesecake, my friend Stacy turned me on to this awesome site, Bakerella.com and she has this awesomely delicious, awesomely easy recipe for cheesecake bites. I alter mine a little by adding some chocolate chips to the cup before filling them in, ads a delightful crunch. I have made them several times and each time they are wonderful, especially at the parties, they are gone in minutes.

Super Easy Mini Cherry Cheesecakes
2 pkg. (8oz.) cream cheese, softened to room temperature
3/4 cup sugar
3 eggs
1 Tbsp vanilla
1 Tbsp lemon juice

Mix.

vanilla wafers
2″ aluminum mini baking cups
Cherry Pie Filling

Place a vanilla wafer in each mini baking cup.
Spoon approximately 3 Tbsp of cream cheese mixture over each wafer. Makes about 4 dozen.Bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes. Let cool and top with cherry pie filling. Refrigerate.

Recipe to try...

Kale Chips!

Now, I haven't tried these yet, but I am really looking forward to them being engulfed by my life. I got this recipe from allrecipes.com and the reviews about it were raving! I'll let ya know how it goes!

Ingredients
1 bunch kale
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 teaspoon seasoned salt
Directions

Preheat an oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Line a non insulated cookie sheet with parchment paper.

With a knife or kitchen shears carefully remove the leaves from the thick stems and tear into bite size pieces. Wash and thoroughly dry kale with a salad spinner. Drizzle kale with olive oil and sprinkle with seasoning salt.
Bake until the edges brown but are not burnt, 10 to 15 minutes.

The venture into Low-Carberdome... A LIFESTYLE CHANGE.

As you may have read in my last post... I am currently enjoying a low carb treat that I purchased from Dutch Bros Coffee. It's delicious! And only about 5 net carbs! It is a sugar free white chocolate with steamed half and half latte. Dutch Bros has pretty much anything you want in sugar free. It's amazing. Either way... I have finally jumped back on the horse of LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I loaded up my freezer with meats that range from salmon to pork roast to chicken to steak. I've got no excuse not to do this. I have inched my way back up the scale to 250 pounds. It's just getting ridiculous. The torture that I am putting my body through, let alone my pyche through has taken it's last stomp on my life. Literally, you should have seen me this weekend. I'm not sure why I did it. I'll give you a horrific picture of my life. So, I was sick, all weekend. My nose was stuffed and continued to stay stuffed no matter how many times I blew and blew. I had been doing so well, changing my lifestyle before I had gotten sick. I was to the point where I really wasn't even craving sweets. But somehow... something in my mind took over and retreated back to my previous lifestyle and screamed and screamed from the back of my mind, "I want cookies!" and repeated until I couldn't take it any longer and succumbed to that voice (even got my boyfriend on the bandwagon so there was no backing down)... and made a couple dozen from scratch. Yes, I couldn't breath through my nose, therefore I purchased some nasal decongestant just so I could possibly get a taste... they helped temporarily and for those few minutes I stuffed as many cookies as I could in my mouth and washed them down with an ice cold glass of milk (which yes, I know, not such a good idea with the mucas, but I had to, for some sick reason). Wow, disgusting. But yea, so after I did this, and during, I felt disgusting and was mad at myself, but I couldn't stop. After that, I told myself, "eh, you already ate the cookies, now eat those chips you've been pondering. I stuffed several into my mouth, chewed half open so I could breathe. Wow, what a depressing picture I am painting. either way, I am stopping this. It's just ridiculous. Obviously I was stuffing myself from another direction. I mean, yes, physically, but there was some void emotionally that was causing the consumption. I am trying to figure out where this void is in my life. I happen to think that it's possibly because my life is so unorganized and I feel so overwhelmed with all my tasks "to do" that I avoid life altogether and consume food to numb me up. I don't know. It just gets ridiculous sometimes. I recently bought a book that my friend Natalya turned me onto, "Organize Now" by Jennifer Ford Berry it is a "week by week guide to organize your space and your life". And I feel like this will definitely help me to connect moreso with what is driving me to these binges. To start organizing my life! Woo! So ..... Here we go!!